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Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in
Ashton Kowalski's InsaneJournal:
| Saturday, May 5th, 2012 | |
| 9:35 pm | "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace When I stand here taking every breath with you, You're the only one who really knew me at all How can you just walk away from me, when all I can do is watch you leave Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain, and even shared the tears You're the only one who really knew me at all So take a look at me now, 'cos there's just an empty space And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face Take a look at me now, 'cos there's just an empty space And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why You're the only one who really knew me at all So take a look at me now, 'cos there's just an empty space And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face Take a look at me now, 'cos there's just an empty space But to wait for you, well that's all I can do and that's what I've got to face Take a good look at me now, 'cos I'll still be standing here And you coming back to me is against all odds That's the chance I've got to take, Just take a look at me now |
| Tuesday, April 10th, 2012 | |
| 10:47 pm | Why am I bothering with this? ( Read more... ) |
| Monday, April 9th, 2012 | |
| 10:37 pm | "The Tears of The Dragon" by Bruce Dickinson For too long now There were secrets in my mind For too long now There were things I should have said In the darkness I was stumbling for the door To find a reason To find the time, the place, the hour Waiting for the winter sun And the cold light of day The misty ghosts of childhood fears The pressure is building And I can't stay away I throw myself into the sea Release the wave Let it wash over me To face the fear I once believed The tears of the dragon For you and for me Where I was I had wings that couldn't fly Where I was I had tears I couldn't cry My emotions Frozen in an icy lake I couldn't feel them Until the ice began to break I have no power over this You know I'm afraid The walls I built are crumblig The water is moving I'm slipping away I throw myself into the sea Release the wave Let it wash over me To face the fear I once believed The tears of the dragon For you and for me Slowly I awake Slowly I rise The walls I built are crumblig The water is moving I'm slipping away I throw myself into the sea Release the wave Let it wash over me To face the fear I once believed The tears of the dragon For you and for me |
| Wednesday, April 4th, 2012 | |
| 12:21 am | "All That You Are" by Goo Goo Dolls And I feel All the faint morning light Filled with hope Cause you're here in my life And we've gone From the edge of our souls Made it back to a place we call home You... See me through I was alone in the dark and the fear was my truth Yeah all the things that you are Beautifully broken, Alive in my heart And know That you are everything Let your heart sing and tonight We'll light up the stars All that you are I feel wrong I'm so human and flawed I'll break down even though I'm still strong And time... will make fools of us all Build us up and then laughs when we fall You... pull me through When I'm alone in the dark and the fear is my truth Yeah all the things that you are Beautifully broken, Alive in my heart And know That you are everything Let your heart sing and tonight We'll light up the stars All that you are Your the sound of redemption The faith that I've lost the answers I'm seeking no matter the cost You opened the window now I can see And you taught me forgiveness By giving your love back to me Yeah all the things that you are Beautifully broken, Alive in my heart And know That you are everything Let your heart sing and tonight Yeah all the things that you are Beautifully broken, Alive in my heart And know That you are everything Let your heart sing and tonight Let your heart sing and tonight We'll light up the stars All that you are Oh, I feel... all the faint morning light Filled with hope cause you're here in my life. |
| Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012 | |
| 11:49 pm | "Perfect" by My Darkest Days I was fine right before I met her Never hurt and nothing could control me You know I tried but I can’t regret her She’s the first, ask anyone who knows me Terrified that she’d find my heart and break it Paralyzed by the thought of her with someone else I wish I would’ve known I shouldn’t have fallen in love with her It’s been nothing but trouble till now I shouldn’t have fallen in love at all But I couldn’t stop myself Who gives you the right To tear up my life? How dare she be so perfect What did I do to deserve this? (woooh) (I’ll never let her go) How dare she be so perfect (caught in the fire) I haven't cried since the day she left me Cause that would mean that I admit it’s over I tell myself that she’s tryin’ to test me She’d never leave, she still needs me to hold her Horrified cause she found my heart and broke it Mortified when I picture her with someone else I wish I would’ve known I shouldn’t have fallen in love with her It’s been nothing but trouble till now I shouldn’t have fallen in love at all But I couldn’t stop myself Who gives you the right To tear up my life? How dare she be so perfect What did I do to deserve this? (woooh) I gotta let her go How dare she be so perfect Tell me why You started the fire And played me like that Ooooh I shouldn’t have fallen in love with her It’s been nothing but trouble till now I shouldn’t have fallen in love at all But I couldn’t stop myself (I gotta let her go) Who gives you the right To tear up my life? How dare she be so perfect What did I do to deserve this? (woooh) (I gotta let her go) How dare she be so perfect Tell me why You started the fire And played me like that |
| 11:47 pm | "Heartless" by Kanye West In the night, I hear them talk the coldest story ever told Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul To a woman so heartless How could you be so heartless Oh, how could you be so heartless? How could you be so cold as the winter wind when it breeze yo Just remember that you talking to me yo You need to watch the way you talking to me yo I mean after all the things that we been through I mean after all the things we got into Ayo, I know there are some things that you ain't told me Ayo, I did some things but that's the old me And now you wanna get me back and you gonna show me So you walk around like you don't know me You got a new friend, well I got homies But in the end it's still so lonely How could you be so Dr. Evil? You bringing out a side of me that I don't know I decided we weren't gonna speak so Why we up 3 A.M. on the phone? Why though she be so mad at me for? Homie I don't know she's hot and cold I won't stop wont mess my groove up Cause I already know how this thing go You run and tell your friends that you're leaving me They say that they don't see what you see in me You wait a couple months then you gonna see You'll never find nobody better than me Talking talking talking talk Baby lets just knock it off They don't know what we been through They don't know about me and you So why I got something new to see? And you just gonna be keep hating me And we just gonna be enemies I know you can't believe I could just leave it wrong And you can't make it right I'm gonna take off tonight (Into the night) |
| 3:27 am | "Save Yourself" by My Darkest Days I’m the devil’s son straight out of hell And you’re an angel with a haunted heart If you’re smart you’d run and protect yourself From the demon living in the dark There’s nothing to be gained cause I can never change And you can never understand my sickness (I’ll never understand my sickness) Save yourself From a life full of lies and a heart full of pain and sorrow Save yourself From the choices I make cause nothing but failure follows me Save yourself You’re the perfect drug when it hurts like hell I've never needed anyone so much There’s no-one else I love and I curse myself Cause the right thing is to give you up I’m overcome by shame cause I can never change And you can never understand my sickness (I’ll never understand my sickness) Save yourself From a life full of lies and a heart full of pain and sorrow Save yourself From the choices I make cause nothing but failure follows me Save yourself From a life full of lies and a heart full of pain and sorrow Save yourself From the choices I make cause nothing but failure follows me Save yourself You'll never understand my sickness (I’ll never understand my sickness) Cause i don’t understand my sickness (I’ll never understand my sickness) Save yourself From a life full of lies and a heart full of pain and sorrow Save yourself From the choices I make cause nothing but failure follows me Save yourself From a life full of lies and a heart full of pain and sorrow Save yourself From the choices I make cause nothing but failure follows me Save yourself |
| 3:12 am | "Keep Holding On" by WASP Your sad eyes never told me No paradise here for the lonely But I hold on, half a heart here in my hands Been so long, would you know me Who's holding you, who's gonna hold me If you want me, then I'll be your man And I keep holding on Holding on till you come back to me And I keep holding on Holding on till you run to me Can you take me to heaven Show me the way cause I'm no angel I'm lost and Can I hold you one more time I guess me holding you was holding you down WIll I have your memory Or will your memory have me I don't know, only time Knows if I'll ever know peace of mind Only time knows if you're mine, if you're mine And I keep holding on Holding on till you come back to me And I keep holding on Holding on till you run to me All I can hold is a shadow of a heart that's gone And left me shattered I'm lost and Can I hold you one more time I guess me holding you Was holding you down I guess me holding you Was holding you down I guess me holding you Was holding you down |
| 3:11 am | "The Bottom" by Staind "The Bottom" by Staind You suffocate You cannot wait for this to just be over You wanna run and just be done You're what you can't control here Don't know what you're thinking This ship is sinking I'll meet you at the bottom The waves can't wash away all the scars you bare See you at the bottom You just hold on to the things that keep you there You suffer the cost when all this is lost It just doesn't make sense to go there All the hate that your fear It slowly appears back into your with no control Don't know what you're thinking This ship is sinking I'll meet you at the bottom The waves can't wash away all the scars you've made See you at the bottom You just hold on to the things that keep you there Just fucking stand for something You'll never take us all You never get it right You never get it right We'll always stand and fight You never get it right It's cold down here at the bottom I'll meet you at the bottom The waves can't wash away all the scars you've made See you at the bottom You just hold on to the things that keep you there |
| Sunday, August 1st, 2010 | |
| 2:13 am | Why do I get sucked into these things? 1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say? I'd say I'm about to be rich beyond imagination, because seriously, there's gotta be mad money there... 2. Do you trust all of your friends? To a degree. I hate to say it, but Lucy, Meredith, and my sister are the only people alive I trust unconditionally. 3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love? To be with Lucy, I almost went to war with God. That should be answer enough. 4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Again.. to a degree. I believe everything happens for a reason... just that at times, those reasons are unfair and need to be nullified by any means necessary. 5. Can you make a dollar in change right now? Yeah. Even I'm not that damn broke. 6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor? God, probably Wells. He's a little... meek, but he's WICKED intelligent. 7. Are you afraid of falling in love? I used to be... but being in love with Lucy feels as natural as breathing. And as necessary. 9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times? I've been accused of obsessing over my Lucy... but if that's the case, then so be it. 10. What’s your most favorite scar? I have no 'favorite' scars. Each one represents pain I wish not to think of. But the most profound have been the ones on my heart, each time I've lost someone I love." 11. When was the last time you flew in a plane? I've never been on one. Hope to never HAVE to be. 12. What did the last text message you sent say? It was to my sister, actually... asking how the baby was doing. 13. What features do you find most attractive in the preferred sex? Hm. A bright smile, pale skin, long legs... hrm. I suppose I really didn't have a CHANCE when I met Lucy, hm? 14. Fill in the blank. I love.....: Every single thing about Lucy Van Warren. 15. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future? I want to find a way to tap back into magic again. I miss feeling that dark power flowing through me. 16. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call? I wouldn't have to call Lucy, because I know she'd be at my side the moment I woke. So I'll say my sister, and probably Buffy or Gwen. 17. How many kids do you want to have? ....we're JUST talking with Lucy here, right? *laughs and runs away* 18. Would you make a good parent? God, I hope so... if nothing else, at least I'm evidentily good at MAKING kids... 19. Where was your profile picture taken? A small, independent studio near my home. I'm friends with the owner. 20. What’s your middle name? Gabriel. Yes. My middle name is that of an angel. How the fates mock me. 21. Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? Hrm. Honesty tends to get me in trouble. Fine. I'm thinking about both wanting to get my powers back... and about wanting to lock Lucy and myself in my bedroom and not leave until neither of us can walk properly. 22. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be? I would find a way to save my mother. I would give almost anything to have known her. 23. Who was or will be the maid of honor/ best man in your wedding? Probably Neely or Meredith. They're my two best friends, without having to think twice about it. 24. What are you wearing right now? Black pajama bottoms and black boxers. Shut up. 25. Righty or Lefty? Righty. 26. Best place to eat? I tend to enjoy The Sugar Shack. Despite the incessantly cheerful decor, the food is great and the scenery tends to be... very satisfying. 27. Favorite jeans? I only have a few comfortable, worn-in pairs of blue jeans. So probably one of those. 28. Favorite animal? Since meeting a certain friend... I've grown to have more of an affinity towards wolves... 29. Favorite juice? Probably orange juice. Loved it since I was a kid. 30. Have you had chicken pox? You know? I'm honestly not even SURE. 31. Have you had a sore throat? I had a throat infection in my early teens that hurt like a BITCH. 32. Ever had a bar fight? Thankfully, no. I think my skills are better suited to magic than fisticuffs. 33. Who knows you the best? I want to say Lucy, but... I think truly, Meredith knows me better than anyone. Lucy, as I do with her, puts me on a bit of a pedestal. Meredith knows the good and the bad of me, and understands it all. 34. Shoe size? 10 1/2 35. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses? No, although the headaches I occasionally get suggest I may need them eventually. 36. Ever been in a fight with your pet? I don't even want to know what the hell this question is supposed to mean. 37. Been to Mexico? Heh. Yes. Once. With Meredith and a few of our Sunnydale friends. First time I ever got drunk. Other than drunken sex with Mere (and possibly with TJ, my memory is fuzzy there), I can't say I remember a lot about that trip. 38. Did you buy something today? Just some food and coffee at The Sugar Shack after training with Buffy. 39. Did you get sick today? No... should I have? 40. Do you miss someone today? For some reason, I really missed Mere today. I know she's happier now... but me and Lucy were talking about her, and it hit me that I *really* miss having her with us. 41. Did you get in a fight with someone today? Sort of... a little, mostly friendly argument with Buffy about whether or not I should try to get my black magic back. She thinks I should use this as an opportunity to go towards good magic, and I think I've done plenty of good with dark magic. Needless to say, we came to no real conclusion there. 42. When is the last time you had a message? Sigh. A few hours ago, on my way to grab drinks at The Sugar Shack. It was "DONT FORGET TO PUT EXXXXXXXXTRA SUGAR IN MY COFFEE PLEASE! THANK U BABY!!!!!" Three guesses who that was from. First two? Don't count. 43. Last person to lay in your bed? Lucy. An image I could think about all day and not get tired of. 44. Last person to see you cry? Lucy and Meredith. Because I cried in front of them both when Mere brought her back to me. 45. Who made you cry? Um... just read the last answer. 46. What was the last TV show you watched? Ok, here's where I admit one of my dirty little secrets. I totally LOVE Family Feud. I'm fucking GOOD at that shit, too. 47. What are your plans for the weekend? ....Plowing Lucy? God I hope her family doesn't see this... 48. Who do you think will repost this? Eh. This is me. Probably Lucy and Buffy. Maybe Mac. Mere already did one... and who the fuck else even LIKES me? 49. Who was the last person you hung out with? Buffy. Although I need to get in touch with Mac. I miss her, and frankly, the thought of her hanging with Brayden Bale constantly scares me. 50. Is there anyone you'd say yes to if they asked you to marry them TODAY? I want to wait until she's at least 18 or 19... but I swear to every god I know of... if SHE asked ME? I don't think I'd be able to resist. Lucy's all I want in this world. |
| Sunday, August 30th, 2009 | |
| 3:35 am | Because I know my sister won't let up until I do this... 1) Favorite hobby? Magic, and all the stuff I can do with it. 2) Have you ever done drugs? No... but I have let myself get far enough into magic in the past to consider it a drug. 3) What are your three favorite movies? 1. Road House (Hey, fuck you. Swayze was King Bad-Ass in that movie) 2. The Godfather 3. Superman And before my sister decides to embarrass me, YES, I enjoyed the friggin' Pokemon movie, ok? For a kid's cartoon, MewTwo was pretty friggin' hardcore. 4) What possessions of yours could you never live without? Every time I think I can't live without something... it gets taken away. I'm beginning to think that the harder I become inside... the harder I become to destroy. 5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Never. Nothing he can tell me that's worse than what I've already been through. 6) What do you think of hot dogs? I don't think about them. Not my style. 7) Favorite song? "The End" by The Doors 8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Usually just coffee. 9) Are you a virgin? If so, what's the farthest you've gone? Haven't been one of those since before I met Dawn. 10) Do you have any piercings? No, nor do I plan to. 11) What's your favorite piece of jewelry? I don't usually wear jewelry. 12) Do you like blue cheese? I try not to eat anything that smells like it's been rotting in a closet for weeks, thanks. 13) Ever been in a car wreck? The week I found out my sister was... gone... I tried to drive my car into a telephone pole. Somehow managed to destroy the car but not myself. 14) Do you have ADD? No, just some severe anger management problems. 15) What's one trait that you hate about yourself? How easily darkness comes to me anymore. It's like an addiction I'll always be fighting. 16) Middle name? David 17) Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.. 1. How long before Buffy tires of me too? 2. I need to plug my way through this book of ancient curses I borrowed from Mr. Giles. 3. There's really an almost painful amount of power coursing through my veins right now. 18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday ...I didn't buy anything yesterday. 20) Current worry? What if, in trying to destroy evil, I become it myself? 21) Current hate right now? Wolfram & Hart. And... myself. 22.) Who are your five all-time favorite bands/performers? 1. Marilyn Manson 2. The Doors 3. Sisters of Mercy 4. Switchblade Symphony 5. Dream Theater 23) How did you bring in the New Year? Alone, with a bottle of Jack Daniels I had a friend buy me. 24) Do you play an instrument or sing? Good lord, no. Me attempting either could only result in tragedy. 24a) If so, who are your five most influential singers/performers on said instrument? ...can I just take a moment to say I have no DOUBT my sister was influenced by The Wiggles? Just saying. 25) Who would you say are your two best friends? I don't really trust people enough to call them friends. But I would suppose if I can't take the easy way out and say my sister, probably Meredith and Mr. Giles. 26) Do you own slippers? Never had any in my life. 27) What shirt are you wearing? ...a black dress shirt. As usual. 28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I don't particularly care what I sleep on. 29) Can you whistle? Yes, a little. Nothing noteworthy however. 30) If you could own three things you've always wanted, what would they be? 1. A normal family for me and Patience. 2. A chance to understand why my father acted the way he did. 3. A better temper 31) Would you be a pirate? Why be a pirate when I can be a pseudo-evil mastermind? 32) What songs do you sing in the shower? Again. Me singing = tragedy 33) Favorite girl's name? What am I, a 12 year old girl? Like I give a shit about names? 34) Favorite boy's name? See #33. 35) What's in your pocket? A notepad with things I think of throughout the day to help me better adjust to being a Watcher. 36) Last thing that made you laugh? A damned fien question. I don't often do that anymore. 37) Best bed sheets as a child? Just... plain ones? Never had the fun of having crappy novelty sheets as a kid. 38) Worst injury you've ever had? Wilkins hurt me worse than anyone. All mentally. 39) Do you love where you live? It's much better than the shitty apartment I lived in previously. At least being with the Watcher's Council gets me a halfway decent place. 40) How many TVs do you have in your house? Just one. Not much of a TV watcher anymore. 41) Who is your loudest friend? ....friends? Jeez. Meredith by default. Just because I don't really HAVE any other regular friends. 42) How many dogs do you have? None. 43) What is your favorite TV show? Sportscenter. 44) Do you have any tattoos? Only one, on my back, that's for focusing dark energies within me. 45) What is your favorite book? The Necronomicon. 46) What is your favorite candy? I don't really eat candy. 47) Favorite Sports Team? Los Angeles Lakers. I used to play basketball, and I still love it. 48) What song do you want played at your funeral? None. Just burn me, put me in an urn, and get on with life. 49) What were you doing 12 AM last night? Studying on the effects of combining magic with born powers. Can't say why right now... 50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Hit snooze... five more minutes... |